About to Turn Back

This week was full of really hard and really wonderful moments.

In the beginning of the week I was feeling really down on myself. "I can't speak Spanish, I'm getting fat, it's raining all day everyday and I'm always wet, what the heck am I doing in Mexico?" Negative self-talk was threatening to take me down. 

I felt homesick, I felt self conscious. I felt...bleh.

On one of these days that I was feeling...bleh, we went to go visit yet another investigator that isn't progressing. Instead we ran into her friend. We sat down and started talking to her. One thing led to another and before we knew it we were all sitting there in a circle crying. But let me back up a bit and tell what happened.

The investigator that we went to see was sleeping and her friend was watching her soap opera. We asked if we could share something short with her instead. She hesitantly agreed to listen to the Bolivian and Gringa and we launched right into the plan of happiness. 

We told her that she had a purpose and a plan. We told her that God loves her and knows her. We told her about her purpose here on this earth. We learned that her father had recently died and she was having a really hard time. She told us she had been feeling alone and without hope. 

"I just know that you two are here for a reason. And I can just feel that you two are going to help me change my life." she told us. "This is why your here." The spirit whispered ever so quietly to my heart. My eyes filled with tears as God gently and ever so lovingly answered my prayers.

In Alma 26:27 it says; .

Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine 

afflictions, and I will give unto you success.

In the mission there are a lot of "about to turn back" moments.  When those negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness creep their way into our lives.  It's tempting to give up; to turn back. To choose something a little easier to do for a year and a half. 

But then God has this way of giving us the most loving and special boost right when we need it. Those "this-is-why-you're-here" moments where our eyes are opened for just a second and we can see that this life is so much greater and more marvelous than we can imagine. 

God needs me here. I am important to Him. He is aware of little Hermana Matesen, in the south of Mexico, trying to teach about Christ in broken Spanish day after day.  He sends me strength.  I can feel his angels carrying me through the hard times. When I kneel in prayer and cry out for help, He hears.  I can feel it.  He knows.  He knows it's really hard to be a missionary. He understands. And only He can help us. Because only He truly understands the pain, the struggle, the doubt. And only through Him can we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and continue on with a smile. 

Because WE are children of God. He is aware of us. He loves us. And He is ready, willing, and wanting to help. To all those passing through rough times.  Love yourself.  Love the Lord.  Keep going, keep trying, keep fighting.  And keep that smile on your face. Because God WILL send you a "this-is-why-your-here" moment.  All you've got to do is ask.

This last week we received a call from the husband of our investigator.  "I need your help.  Can you come over please?"  We jogged over to see how we could help.  His wife (our investigator) recently lost her baby (miscarrage) and was having a rough go of it. He couldn't get her out of bed. He didn't know what to do. 

We went into her room and found her curled in a ball on her bed. Tears freely flowing. I felt so inadequate. How can we, at 19 and 22 years, help this mom who is hurting so deeply?  Hermana Mamani kneeled down beside this woman's bed, help her hand tight, and began to pep talk her. 

"You can do this," she said. "You have to get up.  You have a 5 year old daughter and a husband that need you." 

"I can't do it." the woman said.  "I don't want to go on." she cried.  I sat on the side of the bed and felt like my heart was going to break into a million pieces.  I bore simple and sincere testimony of Christ, and how only He truly understands what are going through.  I cried.  She cried.  We all cried together. And then we knelt in prayer and we prayed. 

We prayed SO hard.  We prayed and we cried and we hugged.  And she did it.  She got out of bed. She took on another day.  I felt like the Apostles when they saw Jesus performing miracles, because it was a miracle to watch her pick herself up and carry on.  Life is hard.  But life is oh-so-beautiful because in this life we get to see miracles. 

Love you all and hope everyone is doing well!  I am working hard and staying happy!  I love Mexico. I love the Lord. I love my mission.